3 Keys to Getting Your Life Back After a Divorce
Let’s face it. Divorce sucks for everybody.
Even when it is the best choice for everybody involved, it still sucks.
I have never experienced as much disorientation and confusion around life as I have through divorce. The very nature of divorce is a fracture. It causes separation and hurt. Divorce often shatters our present reality and leaves us with no hope for the future. When we are in the throes of divorce, it can be very difficult to be hopeful or optimistic. Many people end up succumbing to the fear that encompasses divorce.
Fear is the real enemy. It is the primary factor in our disorientation after divorce. Fear about what others may think. Fear about pursuing future relationships. If children are involved, there is fear around ensuring a stable and functional childhood for them. Fear has a direct impact on our ability to be resilient and move forward through difficult situations. It is debilitating. And for many people that have experienced divorce, there is so much fear within them that it keeps them from moving on and enjoying the life that is still present to them.
Here is the good news: You are still alive! And whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. (And all that crap, right?) Overcoming the fear caused by divorce is the first step any person needs to make in order to set themselves up for divorce recovery. So how does one overcome the fear of moving forward? Here are three steps to overcoming fear that will set you up for success.
Regain Yourself. You invested a large part of your being and person into that relationship. It will take time to recover those parts of you that were lost to the relationship. When I say those parts were “lost”, I don’t necessarily mean that in a negative way. (I’m sure some of you feel like you were married to a soul-sucking entity that had no regard for human dignity or wellbeing, but that only proves the point more.) What I mean to say is that you gave up portions of your autonomy, independence, and self-directedness to be in that relationship. Those are huge parts of yourself that need to be reclaimed in order for you to have the confidence to move on.
Regain Clarity. It can take time to clear your head after a divorce. Adapting to the new reality is a major adjustment. If your divorce drug along for a particular length of time, it can be even more disorienting to move on once you are finally in a position to do so. Take the time you need to clear your head. It may mean seeking out some therapeutic or clinical support, but it will be worth it. You need to regain a sense of reality to overcome the fear that is distorting reality after a divorce.
Regain Focus. Focus comes from clarity. Once you have a clear view, your focus will become apparent. Many people use divorce as a catalyst for change or to take on efforts they may have always wanted to but were unable to. There are many areas we may be inspired toward after a divorce. The trick is to not overwhelm yourself with having too many things to focus on. Make the main thing for you, the main thing for you.
By taking these steps, you will be operating in a pro-active modality. Fear is fueled by paralysis. The more you make efforts towards overcoming the fear caused by divorce, the more power you have over that fear. Overcoming fear provides the feelings of empowerment necessary to regaining your life after a divorce. Here are three keys to regaining your life after a divorce.
Be True to Who You Are. There is no better time to regain your sense of self than after a divorce. I have heard so many stories from people who got divorced that immediately braced a part of their personality that they had to hide or mute throughout their marriage. We should never have to hide ourselves in a relationship, and if you did, then it is even more paramount to get back in touch with your true self.
This is not to say you are to go back to your bad habits or regress from any positive change you made as a person while you were married. Keep the good and throw out the bad is the strategy here. The reality here is that while you were in the marriage, you evolved. You changed. It may have been for better or it may have been for worse. In any case, it is your responsibility to define yourself from this point further. You get to choose the person you want to be moving forward. Make sure it is the best version of yourself.
Be Intentional About What You Want. The way to experience control in life is to be intentional about life. Sure there are things that are always out of control, but in the areas where you can control things - you need to be in control. This lesson applies to your future relationships, the relationship you want/have with your children, and whatever efforts you pursue big or small.
When you live intentionally, you are proactively taking charge of your life. You own your life. You order your steps. Sure you may have to deal with challenges that make you feel like you are out of control (Child custody schedules come to mind.) but even in those situations where you can be intentional, you should be. Living intentionally causes us to focus only on those things we can control and insulates against the things we can’t control.
Be Courageous About Change. The old cliche is true. You can’t keep doing the same things and expect different results. Post-divorce is a great time to be courageous about change. A total reinvention of yourself may be in order, but usually it is not that drastic. Focus on those change efforts that are going to have the biggest impact in your quality of life and vitality. Embrace change as a positive course and stick to it.
You may be thinking, this is great advice but unrealistic. You may feel like any progress after a divorce is impossible. You may feel like there is no way you will ever live any semblance of a good life. The fact is that is a possible reality - for you. You have the choice to regain your life or not. It is your responsibility - always. Because it is your responsibility - you are not alone in the journey. Working with a divorce recovery coach or other professionals can help you with all of these efforts toward reclaiming your life.
Here a few questions to help you determine if working with a coach can benefit you. If you agree with any of these questions then you may want to schedule a consultation.
I have lifestyle changes I need/want to make, but feel stuck in how to do them.
I know what I want in life, but I am not sure how to pursue it with intention.
I need help rediscovering who I am.
I have lost a sense of myself because of my divorce.
I want to regain focus and clarity for my life after my divorce.
At Ascent Lifestyle Solutions, we work with all individuals supporting them in divorce recovery and lifestyle coaching. It is our mission to assist you with regaining your quality of life and vitality especially after a major life adjustment such as a divorce. The worst thing you can do is go at it alone.
