Why I Gave Up Self-Care and Focus on Self-Advocacy Instead
For years, the wellness industry has sold us a very specific image of "healing." It usually involves eucalyptus-scented candles, expensive bath salts, and the quiet promise that if we just "pour from a full cup," the world will stop being so draining.
But after a decade of trying to meditate the stress away, I realized something uncomfortable: Self-care is a maintenance strategy; self-advocacy is a resiliency strategy. One keeps you comfortable within a broken system, while the other demands that the system change to accommodate you. Here is why I shifted my focus from pampering to power, and why you might want to do the same.
The Passive Nature of Self-Care
Self-care, in its modern iteration, is often focused on regulation. It is what we do to recover from the demands of our lives. When we practice self-care, we are usually:
Reactive: We take a nap because we are burnt out.
Solo-focused: We retreat into private spaces to "recharge."
Temporary: The effects often vanish the moment we step back into the office or a difficult family dynamic.
While activities like somatic movement or proper nutrition are essential for physiological health, they don’t address the source of the depletion. If you are burning your candle at both ends, a scented candle isn't going to fix the fire.
The Active Power of Self-Advocacy
Self-advocacy is the act of communicating your needs, rights, and boundaries to others. It is relational and assertive. Unlike self-care, which asks "How can I feel better right now?", self-advocacy asks "What needs to change so I don't feel this way again?"
Why the Shift Matters
I stopped prioritizing self-care because I noticed it was becoming another "to-do" list item that made me feel guilty. If I was still stressed, I felt I simply wasn't "self-caring" hard enough.
Self-advocacy changed the game by moving the needle on three fronts:
Setting Hard Boundaries: Instead of taking a yoga class to deal with work stress, I began advocating for a manageable workload. Saying "I cannot take on this project without dropping another" is more effective than any breathing exercise.
Naming Ambivalence: We often feel stuck because we are "fine" on the surface but struggling underneath. Self-advocacy involves being honest with yourself and others about that tension, rather than trying to soothe it away in private.
Seeking Support: Self-care is often marketed as a DIY project. Self-advocacy recognizes that we live in a community. It means asking for help, demanding fair treatment, and ensuring your voice is heard in professional and personal spaces.
Moving Forward: Integration, Not Elimination
Giving up "self-care" doesn't mean I’ve stopped looking after my body. I still value the restorative power of a quiet evening or a long walk. However, those things are no longer my primary tools for managing my life.
Now, my energy goes toward speaking up. I focus on the "Eight Dimensions of Wellness" not just as a personal checklist, but as a framework for what I deserve from my environment.
The bottom line: You can’t "self-care" your way out of an environment that doesn't respect your boundaries. Stop trying to find peace in the chaos, and start advocating for a life that doesn't require you to constantly escape it.
How have you noticed the difference between just "getting by" with self-care versus actually speaking up for what you need?
